I have been yelling and screaming at the people around me. A veritable temper tantrum. Now I am trying to remain hidden from them all, feeling threatened. I am curled in a ball under a table with some sort of thin netting over me. It is hardly adequate, but I am banking on the fact that they will not come into this room and find me. I know that I have ruined my chances for advancement. All will go forward without me; but I could keep silent no longer. I let my anger and outrage, outrage!, get the better of me. Now I am fearful of the consequences and in hiding. A very large figure comes into the room. His energy is hostile and his tread makes the floor shiver as if an earthquake; I am found. His weapons are words. I remain silent.
Drift away. After a swirling soup of vagrant images, the scene solidifies and…
I am trying to fly a plane upwards and out of a building. Although I know I am a certified pilot, I am having difficulty; I keep using the wrong pedals — for steering, for upward thrust. The wings scrape the curved walls of the interior. I am too low.
Just at the last moment, as I am going to crash, I find the right pedals, the plane soars upward and steers towards open space, up and out of the confinement of that building.
When I wake in the morning and remember the dream I am surprised by the aircraft. Usually in my flying dreams it’s just me in my body –no flying carpet, bird or plane involved. But I have been plagued by uncomfortable dreams recently, since my latest blunder. The earlier dream, the one where I am so angry, just makes me feel sad. I rail and quail nakedly in my dream life.
Ironically, shortly after posting about Harmonic Relationships I mindlessly, certainly not mindfully, offended and annoyed my older brother. He pointed out to me that I do not “practice what I preach” reminding me that I had not responded to a significant email he had sent me two months earlier in which he was requesting we re-open a dialogue.
And he was right. While I had read the communication in question, I had not recognized its significance nor responded to it. This was a mistake, a blunder. I know better. And it has haunted me since he pointed it out. I am not perfect. No one is. In fact:
There is no such thing as “perfect” or “perfection,” really.
Taking that as a given, then, how do we deal with ourselves — and others — as we blunder through life, hurting others, being mindless, causing pain where none was intended. We/I can all intend and try to be “mindful,” “thoughtful,” etc., but…
Many things can be true. One truth does not cancel out another; I do not have to make the other wrong in order to be right — and vice versa. It is, as stated in The Way of Beauty, a both/and universe. My blunders do not cancel out my attempt to live in and cultivate Beauty. And while not attempting to justify my inconsiderate omission in the case of my brother, I was at the time deeply involved with other things. And of course that is a justification; there are always “reasons.” My blunders do make me a “messy human” as Mark Nepo might say. Or to more correctly quote him, “it is messy and magnificent to be human.”
So while my conscience and heart, my eye and hand aspire to create True Beauty — my dreams, my family, my friends, my immediate environment act as my yardsticks. I must (continue to) deal with how I react and respond to my messy and mess-creating blunders. I try to be kind with myself.
I am grateful that at least I have a path I am aspiring to follow, even though too often I lose it in the jumble and jungle of everyday living.
Relationships are all there is. Everything in the universe only exists because it is in relationship to everything else. Nothing exists in isolation. We have to stop pretending we are individuals that can go it alone. ~ Margaret J. Wheatley
I hope by now it is clear that choosing to follow a path of True Beauty is in great part about noticing, cultivating and sustaining Beauty, an integral form of harmonious relationships. Becoming a Practitioner of True Beauty!
While relationship begins first between you and you — being the most authentic self you can be as discussed last week — the next most important and primary relationship is between you and the “Other,” or really a series of “others” whose main characteristic is that they are perceived as external of the “I.” While there is the Other of our immediate environment our first “other of flesh” is, most probably our birth family, then the family chosen and created beyond that. Thirdly are all the relationships one chooses to create just between folks and other species — pets and, say, houseplants. (I am currently in deep mourning for my 20+ year old Jade plant that is seriously ailing. I cannot admit it’s dying.)
Though all of the above may seem obvious, looking at the status of today’s families, community health, ecology and abused and abandoned animals — it isn’t. We only have to look around to see the growing anomie* in our culture.
*Anomie is the disorientation and alienation that arises in a society as a result of the erosion of its moral and social codes. People feel isolated and alone, without a supportive social or guiding framework.
True Beauty is the antidote for anomie.
Relationship is a word that has been so overused in our culture today. Perhaps because truly meaningful relationships are too scarce for too many. For instance have you noticed we now have “Relationship Brokers” in place of customer service departments in many businesses now? Too funny. Or sad.
So what is relationship really about? Hoo-boy! So many books, lectures, TV shows, gurus have gone on about this very subject! But there is actually science behind/about relationship. I’ll try to put it into non-science speak.
Relationship is about attraction and resonance. Being attracting, attracted and resonating with an other –only to find upon entering into the dance of relationship that one-plus-one equals not two, but three — and we are not talking about Baby, here!
The attraction of the two has created something bigger than the separate single units apart: the “field of attraction.” This field is the observable energy created by and between the two. Gravity is a field of attraction. I could say, quite literally, that the Moon fell for the Earth. I like that. The pull you feel towards someone is a real, energetic, observable thing.
Plato wrote about it, Shakespeare dramatized it, and virtually every culture has tradition and mythology around it; many worldwide believe that it is “love that makes the world go ’round.”
So while those millions of books have been written and therapies have been developed to help create and sustain healthy and happy relationships, at day’s (and experts’) end harmony in relationship relies upon the care and maintenance of that field. And that all boils down to “importances.” What is your order of importances? To what and where do you give time, energy and attention? How much to oneself, to the job, the sport, the maintenance of possessions, and to the journey of others around us? On what do you focus?
Ditto to the above for the Other who is creating that field of attraction with you.
And, then, just to complicate matters: can we accept the care, love and concern of an other flowing to us? We often hear of the joys of giving. But how many of us are uncomfortable with receiving? How is it to be the subject of another’s focus? Is it hard to simply say “Thank You” when someone does a thoughtful thing or pays one a compliment?
Finally, how do we communicate? How effective are both at expressing as well as listening? Effective communication is the key to authentic relationship, and successful, harmonic relationship itself is key to living a life of Beauty.
Personal relationships are not irrelevant or extra-curricular. They are a central expression of Harmony, of a life of True Beauty. In formally entering, i.e. consciously choosing a relationship with another human being we are entering the dance and mystery of the Universe itself.
Note, however, it is a core premise of the Way of Beauty that, in fact, all is in relationship. Not just human-to-human. Or man to dog. Or human to earth. All is in relationship, all the time. Being in conscious relationship, therefore, is a tall order.
To practice harmonic relationship:
1) Know that you are in relationship with all, all the time. Your energy effects the energy field of that and those around you.
2) Notice your order of importances. This is a big clue to your own attractions and resonances, if you need a clue… and often we do!
3) Focus on that which you want to include in your life and see more of in the world. If, conversely, you focus on the negative, it is the negative that will occupy your environment.
4) Communicate. You are in relationship. Duh!
5) Really, just follow all the Beauty practices as well as you can. The Way of Beauty is about increasing Harmony, the happy state of relationship.
“Consider the following. We humans are social beings. We come into the world as the result of others’ actions. We survive here in dependence on others. Whether we like it or not, there is hardly a moment of our lives when we do not benefit from others’ activities. For this reason it is hardly surprising that most of our happiness arises in the context of our relationships with others. ~HH Dalai Lama
What could be more appropriate after discussing the authentic self, than the discussion of practicing self-acceptance? Marianne Williamson says:
“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light not our darkness that most frightens us.”
Hmmm.
And I very much agree with what Cormac McCarthy has to say. While speaking of courage, he hits on both awareness of one’s true self, and acceptance of that self (or lacks thereof):
“All courage is a form of constancy. It is always himself that a coward abandons first. After this all other betrayals come.”
It is a phenomenon of a wealthy society that we can even contemplate the notion of self-acceptance. That said:
Self-acceptance is a form of unconditional love. It is lovingly embracing the “needs improvement” and “unsatisfactory” along with the “excellent” and “satisfactory” on our internal report-card.
If we kid ourselves and choose to either believe that “it’s all good” as the saying goes, or conversely that it’s all crap, we are all crap — we are not being authentic with ourselves. We are living in delusion and fooling only ourselves. It is not a productive way to live.
Very few of us do not have our delusions, oh by the way.
On the extreme that tends towards the “it’s all crap” side, the gap between what we might refer to as the realm of the “coulda/shoulda/woulda’s,” the NISTs (refer to last week’s blog), and what one feels capable of, versus what we perceive as actually accomplished can feel great. The subsequent self-disappointment might make self-acceptance a prized achievement rather than a natural “given.” Through this aberrated lens, we rarely accept the self — it can always be somehow more, better, worthier.
At the other extreme, the “it’s all good” stance may birth arrogance and self delusion that can overtake an individual — sort of hiding behind the smiling mask; nothing can ever be wrong! The self is invincible, always right in some way or another. Self acceptance is a given. I like to think that most people really don’t dwell full-time in either of these extremes, but for the most part view their individual internal report card more objectively, aware of their full spectrum of “marks.”
By the way, this review/report card idea in the self-acceptance process is not about bringing up The Judge. We can be such harsh judges of ourselves, can we not? So how is this done truly lovingly and not with harsh judgment?
Be kind. Be kind to yourself. Be the loving parent to your growing self.
Self-acceptance is not about complacency. It is the sister-step in practicing Authenticity. As in all things there is a balance point to be struck; in this case between acceptance and improvement. And it is not a static point, it is often a balancing act — always moving. Acceptance doesn’t mean unchanging, rather to embrace lovingly what you cannot or choose not to change now. Change what you want to when you are able. The rest will have to wait. The balancing act continues.
photo interpretation: seizure coming on
An example: I accept that I have seizures. Epilepsy. This is a multi-faceted fact that presents obstacles and limitations in many different areas of my life. So I have had to respond in different ways. There are ways I can and have improved my personal universe. There are ways I have not, and in some instances believe I cannot. (There is no cure for epilepsy). There are other items that are still in the gray area: I just don’t know if I have the ability to change/improve them — or I am just not yet ready to confront them. I have not accepted many of the limitations traditionally placed upon people with epilepsy. Some of these are culturally instigated, others medically. My questioning of such “limitations” has caused concern for some people in my family. It has been trial and error, and I have made mistakes. Yet I learned for myself what my limits in this area were, and they too are not static but evolve as circumstances, medications, and seizure cycles change. I take my medication faithfully and deal with the side-effects (not always uncomplainingly). I try to balance personal safety with a certain quality of life. Just when I believe I have achieved a certain satisfactory balance, it can change again. At times this constant challenge feels lonely.
So, how does one acknowledge and respond to: this is my current reality, this is who I am now. How might I move forward? Do I even want to move forward? Is there room for improvement? Do I want to aspire to something more or different?
The responses to the above can form the harmony point between lovingly embracing the critical self-awareness, one’s acceptances and one’s work at self-improvement. It is a dynamic self-acceptance versus a denial as a false form of self-acceptance and blinkered self esteem that, too often, justifies unproductive behaviors and/or situations and relationships.
At one point while contemplating the practice of self-acceptance, something I knew was very important to moving with True Beauty in everyday life and living, I started asking around. How did others think about self-acceptance? Or did they? During this inquiry it was suggested to me that women and girls have a more acute issue with self-acceptance than do males. I’ve done no research to verify this, but I strongly suspect its true. The media in all its forms projects such strong and pervasive ideas and ideals about the feminine. Well, mostly about feminine physical appearance. Much has been written and observed about this over the past few decades; but it has hardly changed. You have only to walk through a high school to know that.
It is hard not to compare and contrast our own appearance with the images out there. We elevate the likes of actresses and reality “stars.” The rest of us women do not have hair & makeup minions fluttering about for two hours before our first appearance into the day. We are not able to airbrush ourselves before leaving the house. Is it any wonder our young women get confused about where their worth originates — in the constancy of character, grace and ability or simply a particular physical appearance?
And then, as one rather stiff-upper-lip sort of person put it, “Well you just do accept yourself, don’t you? What choice do we have?”
Shine on!
To practice acceptance of oneself:
1) Listen to your body and your intuition and notice where you are resisting.
2) Be fully present with the choices that are available. Choose mindfully, with authenticity and compassion.
3) Think of “failure” as another word for “rehearsal.” Trial and error is the way of artists and scientists.
4) Remember: everyone is doing their best from their point of view and level of awareness — including you.
5) Where necessary, forgive. Especially yourself.
So, what role does self-acceptance have in reclaiming True Beauty into our sensibilities and our culture? Again: as within, so without. The more accepting and loving we are of ourselves, the more accepting and compassionate we are liable to be of others.
One of the seldom mentioned keys to the spiritual life is acceptance. Not acceptance of others but of ourselves. So often we focus on what we want to change…lessen our character defects…. What if we are acceptable even in the times we have difficulty accepting ourselves? …The poet Theodore Roethke …tells us: ‘in a dark time, the eye begins to see.’ ” ~ Julia Cameron
Authentic. Authenticity. What the heck does that mean, really. And what does it have to do with True Beauty?
Each person is the barometer of his/her own authenticity; it would be an oxymoron to say there is a set way to be authentic, to practice authenticity. However, since it is my authentic (s)elf to virtually always have something to say about almost everything, here’s what I have to say about being authentic:
In our current culture one of the foremost antitheses of personal authenticity is the still deeply embedded “Now-I’m-Supposed-Tos.” (Now I’m Supposed To go to college, get a job, get married, be successful, have children, etc. to name a few of the more universal NISTs of American culture.) Ridding oneself of these “NISTs” is easier said than done, especially since there is often some merit supporting the NISTs. Logic, honoring a parent or significant other’s wishes, or keeping one’s word are a few that come right to mind. Remember, we are only speaking of such things when they are not able to be engaged with personal authenticity.
At every stage of life there seem to evolve new NISTs. As we age it might be Now I’m Supposed to settle down, act like my parents or act exactly the opposite of my parents, have achieved what I set out to do, etc., etc. NISTs can actually be wonderful when they align with our inner desires and abilities. But when they don’t, it can be hell on earth. The suppressed authentic self expresses itself through many un-beautiful ways: depression, violence, apathy, deceit — generally destructive activities for oneself and others. (Please know I am not psychologist or such, just an observer of people and life).
Happily, it seems the NISTs are relaxing. I see younger generations far less in the thrall of these cultural expectations, but I do not know if it is a blip or a trend. And they are not entirely gone. Questions about marriage, parenting, jobs vs. careers vs. something called lifestyle and the meaning of life are still persisting. In the absence of the NISTs, or their weakened position, what guidelines, positive or even otherwise are available?
And then, just to complicate the issue, there is the problem of taking one’s quest for authenticity too far. (What! How can that be? I can just hear Lou now.) To be authentic does not mean always putting oneself first. Under the guise of being “true to oneself” narcissism can bloom. Taking care of oneself (“lookin’ out for #1”) can be a cover for selfishness, lack of compassion. It is also often manipulative, immature and insecure. The difference, I think, between being authentic and being narcissistic is in attitude, action and intention. It means being aware of your actions, reactions, emotions and intentions, and yes, in the context of those of others’. Facing them, if you will, in the private moments between you and you. We live in relationship all the time: to ourselves, our environment, others. To balance this is to practice True Beauty. To be fooling yourself about who and how you are is to have a foundation of sand in all other departments. “Lying to yourself is automatically lying to everyone else” I’ve been known to say. And we do not always like to admit some of those little “white” lies we tell ourselves, do we?
Be aware of True Beauty; practice it…find and be your authentic self. No small task.
Mother, impersonating 1960’s comedienne Phyllis Diller. She loved a good costume.
To practice and hone one’s own authenticity:
1) Identify behaviors, habits that are not authentic to/for you. You probably already have a good idea about a few of them. You feel it. But if you want to go a little further, listen to that inner voice and feel that gut and heart. If it doesn’t “feel” right for you, it probably isn’t. If your reasoning/analytical mind seems to be finding justifications for a certain behavior or decision, fighting with your gut, this is a red flag. Pay attention!
2) Replace inauthentic behaviors with ones that reflect your true self and values. This will, of course, be done over time. Be patient and kind with yourself.
3) With a clearer sense of your authentic self in mind, envision how the next chapter of your life might look. Take any steps possible that are in alignment with that vision.
4) Look at the material world you’ve helped create around yourself. Does it align with your core values? If you are fortunate enough to have abundance, can you find the right balance for you between that abundance and scarcity elsewhere? Can you identify your areas of abundance?
5) Practice all of the above with compassion for those around you. Beauty is harmony, smooth transitions when possible. Let those you care for know what you are endeavoring to do. Your aspiration to live a more authentic life may well inspire them to do the same. Everything is in relationship!
Simply put, practicing Authenticity is working at “To thine own self be true.” Because here is the thing: if you don’t tell yourself your truth, you’re automatically lying to everyone else, too.
⇒And here is a bit of wisdom: the energy put into maintaining a false self is far, far greater than the energy it takes to displace it and start honoring and maintaining one’s authentic self.
Your time is limited, so don’t waste it living someone else’s life. Don’t be trapped by dogma — which is living with the results of other people’s thinking. Don’t let the noise of others’ opinions drown out your own inner voice. And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition. They somehow already know what you truly want to become. Everything else is secondary.
~Steven Jobs, 2005 Stanford University Commencement Address
Beauty takes time for us to see fully. It always takes longer to hear with the heart, but the song heard there is lasting and precious.
~ Mark Nepo
“It broke my heart!”
“That went straight to the heart of the matter.”
“It really touched my heart.”
“I’m heartbroken!”
“I heart you”
Sound familiar? Ever said or written such yourself? We all have, I bet. Up until several years ago I thought these just colorful expressions; that there was nothing really going on with one’s heart muscle, aorta and such. Then two things happened that radically changed my mind.
The first occurred years ago while doing research for my Masters thesis. It led me to one of my still-favorite resources, the Institute of HeartMath. It turns out there’s actually quite a bit of science to support the existence of ways of knowing and understanding that we have habitually discounted. And heart-related matters are, er, at the heart of it. We do perceive, feel and think using our hearts. The organs of the body have their own electromagnetic fields (EMF) and:
The heart is the most powerful generator of electromagnetic energy in the human body… . The heart’s electrical field is about 60 times greater in amplitude than the electrical activity generated by the brain. … Furthermore, the magnetic field produced by the heart is more than 5,000 times greater in strength than the field generated by the brain, and can be detected a number of feet away from the body, in all directions. ~www.heartmath.org/research
Further, the neural network that most of us were educated to believe was the purview of the brain alone is in fact a web throughout our entire body. Folk wisdom in many cultures has always referred to the heart as a center of knowing, wisdom and feeling. Now our God of Science has validated that knowingness with the astounding data that the heart has a greater electromagnetic field than the brain; and an abundance of neural networks. We do, indeed, think and feel with our hearts. And what we have deemed “intuition” is probably information coming to us via these fields and networks.
The second thing that happened was a personal experience. A non-physical traumatic event occurred in my life and it had, among others, this very physical effect: my chest hurt. Badly. It lasted for several months. I had no idea what this constant physical pain was. Doctors sent me to the ER, more than once, sure I was having a heart attack. It was then I realized that those “colorful expressions” were not merely metaphors, but accurate statements of a real physical response to emotional pain. My heart was broken.
The heart feels, emotes…we are not brain-centric thinkers or feelers. I believe that what we call “intuition” is, in fact, information/knowingness coming to us before being processed by the brain. It is coming to us via the EMFs of our organs, most predominately our heart. We need only heed it.
To practice thinking with your heart:
1) Listen for and to your “inner voice.”
2) As you notice those “thoughts” and impulses you’ve previously labeled intuition speak them aloud and/or write them down. This is a form of acknowledgement, honoring and validating such knowing/gnowing.
3) Try acting on your intuition when possible. Notice the outcomes.
4) Choose to be around what I call “higher companions;” those people who tickle your laugh muscle, lighten your spirit and encourage spontaneity. Who at the same time do not back away from helping you shine a light on your demons. Who tend not to scoff at your intuitions and will encourage you in your endeavors and your challenges. Whose only criticism, when it comes, is insightful, delivered with compassion and always constructive in nature. You’ve heard yourself think or say about them “I just LOVE being with (insert name here). You strive to be the same for and to them. Such friends nurture our hearts and our heart-thinking.
So, in summary, it is time to stop dismissing that which we label “intuition.” It is knowing from a different source. It is “gnowing.” If something is calling to us, moving or inspiring us that seemingly has no “logical” source — so what? Get over it! Release that criteria. Practice thinking with your Heart. And acting on those thoughts/feelings. Allow yourself. To do so creates greater inner harmony, a requisite state in turn for creating True Beauty outside oneself.
The intuitive mind is a sacred gift and the rational mind is a faithful servant. We have created a society that honors the servant and has forgotten the gift. ~ Albert Einstein
My mischievous friend Lou came in today and asked me what I was doing spending another beautiful morning at my computer. Good question. I reminded him that I was doing this blog about the importance of recognizing True Beauty, and how to actually practice it and incorporate it into everyday life.
Lou is a major skeptic. Like many, he dismisses beauty; thinks it is trivial. He is confusing (I think) mere glamour for true, deep abiding beauty.
So we have these discussions. It’s been really good for me, actually, as over time he has taunted me about the tenets of True Beauty. It made me realize that this was not some pop-ideaology with which I was infatuated for a brief time, but something that I truly believed and continued to be passionate about. Something born in me, of me. I need to share this with others; I feel it is so very important in healing both ourselves and the earth.
When I say things like that, Lou says I sound pompous as hell. In the face of adolescent Lou-truth I am nothing if not under scrutiny. Which has proved a good thing. My own personal challenger. Gotta love it.
And I love that it has worked its magic. That I have come to understand that Beauty, True Beauty — not the shallow “glamour” that passes for beauty these days — is the very accessible road to a healing harmony for everyone. I’ve done my share of traveling; I’m not naive about the poverty that exists on the globe. And I believe that it is the awareness of True and deep Beauty that contributes to those impoverished lives the bit of spiritual serenity and harmony available to them in their struggle to survive. The ability to tap into it may befuddle those who are better-off . But herein lies a long essay. Not for now. And Lou is scrunching up his face, feeling his question is unanswered.
Why am I inside opposite a glowing screen instead of outside practicing what I preach? Because, sweet Lou, a thread throughout all the Beauty practices is discipline and balance. I am being true to myself by sharing what I gnow (not a typo) about the importance of True Beauty. I’ll go to the beach to “pray” and play later.
So to you who find yourself on this blog page, a reminder: I write here to share my conviction that True Beauty is a necessary tool in the balanced functioning of our earth and universe. It might even be the raison d’être of our universe. We can participate and practice it every day, incorporate it easily into our daily living with simple shifts of perception and/or attitude, with our choices, in our relationships.
Wowza! I want you to recognize, nurture and sustain True Beauty in your personal universe. I want you too to practice True Beauty! It is important to engage now. What’s more, it is fun, fulfilling and so full of grace…
(The following is a continuation of a blog written on March 1. If it is difficult to follow the story below, it might be helpful to read March 1 first…)
Before Women’s History Month 2015 ends, I thought I’d contribute another chapter in the Jogbra story. So often I get asked to tell this tale. And while the whole history is written, it hasn’t yet been published — too many of us are still living! LOL
Early “Jockbra”
Sitting around on my living room floor with Polly at the end of that summer in 1977, I recall brainstorming about what this new invention might mean, what to do next, how to proceed. We dismissed two options right away: sewing the garments ourselves and in effect starting a manufacturing biz (Polly especially was against this, having seen a few such operations in NYC), and selling the product design outright to a bigger company, sure of a difficult/bad deal from double-crossing sharks preying on us naive artsy types. (I was against this, having seen my father go through such a process). Subcontract out the cut & sew part and go into biz ourselves with the sales and marketing end? Then maybe sell it mail-order? Polly was indifferent about this as well. She wanted to design costumes. Business was not her forte. She’d been happy to help me bring the design into reality, but was not prepared to go into a business around it. She was clear.
I was enthusiastic, already marketing in my head — thinking of a new kind of business, a new way of business, a women’s business. Hinda was there for this conversation. Unlike Polly she was as enthusiastic as I was. She had always been athletic; although not a runner, she was into yoga and quite a skier. She got the potential for this product. I looked at her anew. In an aside, I asked Polly if she’d mind if I asked Hinda to join us, officially. She shrugged, saying no, fine, fine.
By women, for women was envisioned as our tag line. We wouldn’t do business like men. We’d be cooperative not competitive, inclusive not exclusive. We weren’t lingerie (said with a sneer), Jock Bra was serious athletic equipment! We’d… we’d… . You can imagine the scene. Naifs.
Earlier in that year, 1977, I had completed my Bachelor’s degree through the University of Vermont’s Evening Division — “Continuing Education” or “Adult Ed” by other names. Also working part-time as an administrator in a not for profit residential treatment program for adolescent drug abusers, “full” time as an artist/artisan (stained glass at that time; it was the 70s after all), taking varied courses at night, and oh yes, I was married. I loved learning/school and was very excited to have been accepted into the University’s Graduate Degree program in Educational Administration. I had started grad classes at the same time Polly and I were designing Jock Bra prototypes.
In retrospect, that period of time was my personal “perfect storm” brewing. By the next summer of 1978 I knew my marriage was over and divorce was on its way. I had no driver’s license. Epilepsy made that difficult at that time. After Polly and Hinda had left Vermont, after the kerfuffle with my brother-in-law, I’d formed a corporation around the Jockbra, and distributed equal shares to Polly and Hinda, too. I figured perhaps my new bra might be a nice little mail-order business on the side to help finance grad school while I found a real job I could walk to, continued with my studies and figured out how to make this new single life work. And frankly, I was frightened. I had been told all my life that if I had a grand mal seizure while alone I could die. Oh, weeeelllll. Stuck up over my desk I had a hand-lettered sign: PERSERVERE
Jockbra-soon-to-become-Jogbra trumped all that, both plans and fears. Well, the fears got suppressed. The plans got re-made. What’s the saying? “Life is what happens while you’re making other plans.”
Hinda was stuck in South Carolina the summer of ’78, so I mailed her the precious prototype. (I was worried that in my chaotic divorcing state it might get lost in the proverbial shuffle, and frankly she had not yet “earned her shares” so to speak). On a bicycle ride one day she noticed a sign for a start-up cut & sew operation. She took them our prototype bra and asked how such a garment might be mass-produced, and what it might cost. Changing the original design somewhat (me going “Yikes! What?”when I found out) they came up with a garment that could be manufactured for a reasonable cost. Hinda’s Dad generously fronted the money for the initial production “run” of the first athletic supporter for women and I opened us up a corporate bank account in Vermont. We were moving forward.
But it seemed in some areas of the country, South Carolina in 1978 among them, “jock” wasn’t such a nice word; and so Jogbra was born. I think 12 dozen were manufactured and sent to me in my Vermont apartment. My living room became the warehouse, my tiny dining room the office. A small ad in a running magazine of the time showed the product and listed my address as the contact point. Let’s remember: this was before computers and websites. The orders started rolling in. OMG. (It is interesting to note that we used that factory for years and, in fact, built our businesses together.)
Meanwhile Hinda’s stay in South Carolina was over. She drove to NYC and stopped in to visit Polly, where she bought the majority of the shares I had issued to Polly. When I learned of this I was surprised. I knew Polly did not want to be active in the company. But sell her shares to Hinda? Later she said Hinda inferred that I was not going forward with the biz, and that cinched it for Pol; she certainly wasn’t going to do it if I wasn’t. But I was. It was not a good way to start our partnership. I wondered what had happened to the “for women by women” and the attendant ethos we had espoused the summer before.
One of the first orders was from Macy’s department store. Only a “sample order” (what was that?”)….How are they packaged the buyer asked. I scrambled to figure out packaging with our new help, an advertising and marketing agency. But this order, among other things, reinforced my thinking re our marketplace: we did not want to sell into department stores. We were athletic equipment, not lingerie; and the sort of game they wanted to play was beyond our ken in those early days. Brilliantly, we had chosen to sell into the independent athletic stores that were springing up everywhere. Many fun and funny stories there about trying to sell a bra to the proverbial jocks who ran those stores. But that’s for later because…
First, of course came financing. Financing? Yikes again. Money for packaging, more fabric, a bit of communication to let the world know we existed — advertising and some p.r. maybe. Somehow I knew to go the Small Business Administration. One thing to be said about the two of us: we weren’t shy about asking questions. Hinda decided that I should write the business plan the SBA said we must have before they could help us get a loan from a bank. “Why me?” I asked. “Because you’re in school and used to writing papers. Just think of this as another paper.” I looked at her to see if she was joking. She wasn’t. The truth was that neither of us had a clue, and she wanted no part of it. At least I had taken an accounting class once. The SBA sent me a many-paged form to fill out and I began. Privately I titled it “Financial Fairytales” because, really, how the hell did I know how many bras we were going to sell in Year 1, Year 2 and Year 3? Or what the production costs would be each year. Or what percentage of sales we’d spend on marketing and advertising? Hell, I’d never even heard the term “CGS” before. So, I made it all up. “Educated guesses?” Maybe. I liked to think.
It was a damn good “paper” and got us our loan. Really, writing a business plan with financials was just an exercise and a test. An exercise to make us think through many aspects that we otherwise might not have, and a test of our intention, sincerity and dedication to our proposal. Pretty smart hoop, actually. (And years later I found myself teaching aspiring entrepreneurs how to write a business plan. Of course.).
Can you believe it? Two inexperienced women with a bra, in Vermont — and the loan officer said yes. I think he was just aghast by our ardent hutzpah. It didn’t hurt that the Vermont SBA had minority quotas to fill for their loan applications, Vermont had very few minorities at the time, and (drum roll) women constituted a minority. Really. Who knew?
A “perfect storm.” Facing a major life change, from a marital partner to a biz partner. Confronting mythical and real fears. So many of my assumptions were being challenged, my life was changing radically, I had to choose between pursuing graduate school and this nascent-but-wildly-growing business. I had to move. I spent one lunch hour finalizing a divorce. I had to petition for my drivers license and learn how to drive. Running, my joy and my coping mechanism for so many years was beginning to fail me (knees blowing out). And then, how to deal with a business partner who, it turned out, I knew not at all.
This Beauty Practice is in response to years of our society operating in an “either/or” mentality. It is one of the major constructs of our automatic pilot reflex. But we do not have to live in the polarizing “either/or” paradigm. All around us is evidence of a both/and reality, reminding us that we live in a truly diverse, amazingly inclusive and paradoxically complex universe. Think sweet and sour, acid and alkaline, yin and yang, black and white, orange and blue, fire and earth… the list goes on and on. It is not a divisive either/or, but the considered balance of both/and.
We can practice living in such a place. And once aware of it, we find it is beautiful, balanced, full of harmony — and yes, as well as the cacophony of chaos (but more about that later).
To Practice living in the Both/And Universe:
1) Notice each time you make a choice between one event (thing) and another. Does one really preclude the other?
2) Notice when you tend to disagree with someone and see if you can allow that viewpoint to co-exist with your own, allowing both to be. You needn’t agree — just let be.
3) Try dismissing time (that most stern driver of eliminations). Go forward without looking at clocks, but listen to your body’s needs/clock instead. You might find greater “time” to include more.
4) Challenge yourself: where have you, through habit more than choice, excluded something? An idea, a doingness, or someone’s company — because you believed that it was an “either/or” circumstance. Was it truly?
I am very much an advocate of making clear choices for ourselves. This is not about undermining that. What practicing living in the both/and universe is about is refining our process to reach those choices. A both/and “personal universe” is richer, deeper and more inclusive. More aware of the field of infinite possibilities. It provides more insight into the dynamics of True Beauty. The sharp knife of an either/or situation is still in the proverbial toolbox; it simply should not be used as unconsciously or as rapidly as we sometimes do.
I have been yelling and screaming at the people around me. A veritable temper tantrum. Now I am trying to remain hidden from them all, feeling threatened. I am curled in a ball under a table with some sort of thin netting over me. It is hardly adequate, but I am banking on the fact that they will not come into this room and find me. I know that I have ruined my chances for advancement. All will go forward without me; but I could keep silent no longer. I let my anger and outrage, outrage!, get the better of me. Now I am fearful of the consequences and in hiding. A very large figure comes into the room. His energy is hostile and his tread makes the floor shiver as if an earthquake; I am found. His weapons are words. I remain silent.
When I wake in the morning and remember the dream I am surprised by the aircraft. Usually in my flying dreams it’s just me in my body –no flying carpet, bird or plane involved. But I have been plagued by uncomfortable dreams recently, since my latest blunder. The earlier dream, the one where I am so angry, just makes me feel sad. I rail and quail nakedly in my dream life.
